“I am so sorry …”
What comes next can make or break a conversation, a friendship or even a working relationship. Knowing what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, especially a loss by suicide, can be incredibly difficult. If you haven’t experienced a similar loss, it’s easy to unintentionally say something hurtful.
After any death, survivors experience grief and process loss in their own ways. Grieving and healing are lifelong endeavors. The way people around us respond to that grief can either be reassuring or deeply distressing. The grieving process may involve intense emotional pain and profound distress, sometimes accompanied by complex and conflicting emotions like guilt, sadness, shock, anger, relief, shame, depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts. Depending on the circumstances of the death, survivors may also feel isolated, judged or blamed. They may struggle to maintain contact with friends and family and can experience waves of sadness and grief. When their support network is unsure of what to do or say, survivors may feel even more isolated and abandoned.
When you start by saying, “I am so sorry,” resist the urge to follow it with suggestions about how they should grieve or what they should feel. Beyond simple reminders to take care of themselves, rest, eat well and stay hydrated, avoid giving advice. Everyone processes a loss differently, and there is no “correct” way to grieve.
When discussing a death by suicide or overdose, it’s important to avoid value‑laden language. Comments framing the death as selfish, sinful, weak or unloving can be deeply hurtful. They can also discourage others from seeking support and reduce a complex health issue to something far too simple.
Avoid asking a survivor how their loved one died. If they don’t bring it up, it’s safe to assume they don’t want to talk about it. Even if they mention the cause of death, don’t ask for additional details. If they do want to explore those details, especially if the loss is traumatic, gently encourage them to do so with a mental health professional who can provide the right support. Connecting with someone who has experienced a similar loss can also be helpful.
Try not to project your feelings onto the person who is grieving. Saying things like, “You must be so angry,” can make them feel misunderstood or pressured to feel an emotion they may not be feeling. Avoid suggesting that their healing should follow a timeline; grief has no schedule, and for many, healing is a lifelong journey. Familiar phrases meant to comfort, such as “This too shall pass” or “You need to move on,” can unintentionally make survivors feel rushed or judged.
Try to avoid saying hurtful or minimizing clichés like “This was God’s plan” or “Everything happens for a reason.” In moments of grief, silence paired with compassion is better than filling the space with words that may unintentionally wound. You can always say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” That alone can mean a great deal.
It’s normal to feel unsure about what to do or say when someone is grieving, but don’t let that uncertainty prevent you from showing up. What matters most is your caring and sincerity. Stay focused on the survivor’s needs, follow their cues, and offer your presence without forcing conversation or emotion. Let them know you’re available and let them choose how and when to reach out for support.
Many people don’t know how to start a conversation with someone who is grieving, so they avoid it completely, but silence and distance can feel incredibly painful. Offering a safe, caring space where a loss survivor can share their feelings can mean more than you realize. Sometimes the most comforting thing you can do is simply sit with them and be a steady, compassionate presence. Say their loved one’s name, gently ask whether they want to talk and reassure them that you’re there. You might also suggest something familiar that you can do together, like going for a walk, when they feel up to it.
Often, the hardest period for survivors is months after the death, when the shock wears off, and the weight of the loss sets in. This typically occurs just as the initial support from others begins to fade, which is why long‑term support is so important. Keep checking in, sharing memories and photos, and reaching out on meaningful dates like birthdays, anniversaries and the date of the loss.
Eleven years ago, I learned just how important compassionate words and actions truly are. I learned it not only from friends and family, but also, very starkly, from the two funeral homes we dealt with after our son died by suicide at 19 years old. Dickens’ line, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” has never felt more fitting than when I think back on those contrasting experiences.
The first funeral home left us with some of the most painful memories of those early hours. They seemed shocked that we wanted to see our son, which made me think things were far worse than they actually were. Once they realized we were from another town and might not use their services, any kindness they may have had evaporated. Within 12 hours, they had thrown away our son’s sneakers, which we had hoped to keep, and casually told the person who reached out that they were gone.
But then, thankfully, we also experienced the best of times in those darkest of hours. The second funeral home treated us with such care. They drove an hour to pick up our son so we could follow him home, sparing us from more confusion and distress. They were gentle, compassionate and always mindful of how fragile we were. They assured us that we absolutely could have a viewing with our son, something the first funeral home had made us believe was impossible.
I share this in hopes that, whether you are an acquaintance, a friend or a funeral home, you will choose to be someone’s “best of times” when they are facing the very worst days of their lives.
