I often remind myself there is no love without loss. And there is no integration of loss without the experience of mourning.

Our capacity to love requires the necessity to mourn. To deny the significance of mourning would be to believe there is something wrong with loving. Yet I truly believe our greatest gift from God is our capacity to give and receive love.
Likewise, it is a great gift that we can openly mourn our life losses.

You may have noticed that people use the words “grieving” and “mourning” interchangeably. There is a critical distinction, however. We as humans move toward integrating loss into our lives not just by grieving but by mourning. You will move toward “reconciliation” not just by grieving but through active and intentional mourning. So what is the distinction?

Grief is the constellation of our internal thoughts and feelings when someone we love dies. Think of grief as the container. It holds your thoughts, feelings, and images of your experience when someone you love dies. In other
words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss.

Mourning is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside yourself. Another way of defining mourning is “grief gone public” or “the outward expression of grief.”

There is no one right or only way to mourn. Talking about the person who died, crying, expressing your thoughts and feelings through art or music, journaling, praying, and celebrating special anniversary dates that held meaning for the
person who died are just a few examples of mourning. Making the choice not just to grieve but authentically mourn provides you with the courage and confidence to integrate the death of someone loved into your life.

I have come to believe that to heal your grief, you must mourn it. To go on to ultimately “live well,” you must “mourn well.” By mourning well, I mean openly and honestly expressing your thoughts and feelings from the inside to the outside – no pretense, repression, or inhibitions. Somewhere in the collision between the heart – which searches for permanency
and connection – and the brain – which acknowledges separation and loss – there is a need for us to authentically mourn.

Authentic mourning means being consciously aware of the painful emotions of grief and feeling safe to express them.

Herein lies the paradox – a wide range of instinctive responses occur, but you get to decide as your grief unfolds into mourning if you will truly experience these responses or instead inhibit, suppress, or deny them. Actually, befriending such emotions makes it possible to eventually experience a sense of renewed meaning and purpose in your life. Yet the
emotions you sometimes most want to avoid are the ones most in need of attending.

Being consciously aware of your need to mourn does not mean you are “feeling sorry for yourself” or wallowing in your pain. However, authentic mourning allows you to accept and experience the natural rhythms accompanying the journey.
Authentic mourning is anchored in making the conscious choice to allow yourself to mourn, to recognize that darkness sometimes precedes light, and to seek healing, repair, and transformation of your very being.

Of course, there are many reasons you might choose to grieve and not mourn. Your pain may seem intolerable. Since mourning won’t bring back your lost love, you may rationally try to “put it behind you.” After all, you tell yourself, mourning won’t bring the person back.

People around you often think they are helping when they say things like “carry on,” “keep your chin up,” and “keep busy.” Or you may feel that if you don’t overcome the loss, you are not living up to your testimony of faith that you have tried to live by.

No doubt, some people – or maybe you – may suggest that sufficient time has passed and you should be “done” or ‘finished” with your grief and mourning. Perhaps as a child or teen, you were taught in your family not to grieve in front
of others. Some people have shared with me they fear they will “go crazy” if they allow themselves to encounter their grief. Or perhaps you have decided to deny or repress your grief because you believe it interferes with your ability to function at work and/or at home.

These potential reasons and many more are often rooted in a reluctance to feel the pain of loss and a general attitude toward grief in our “mourning-avoidant” culture. There is a widespread lack of understanding about how to befriend painful grief energies and use those energies for healing and transformation.

The opposite of befriending pain and allowing ourselves to mourn is control. Underneath the controlling impulse is the fear that we will experience painful feelings.

As grief enters our lives, many of us have been taught that giving these feelings to the truth, that mourning is a natural extension of attention, and is a sign of weakness or breakdown. Many people try to head part of the natural order of life. Many people try to head off losses in the first place by controlling. After all, you don’t have to grieve and mourn if everything comes out your way.

I believe we control our grief because we are afraid of the emotions that grief brings our way. We don’t like being overcome by the waves of grief and sorrow. We don’t like “losing control.” And until we realize there is a natural, normal
mourning experience that can result in meaningful transformation, we have little awareness of the need to experience the pain we call grief. In addition, the emotions of grief are often referred to as “negative,” as if they are inherently bad feelings. This judgment feeds our culture’s attitude that these emotions should be denied or overcome.

Married to this observed truth is the reality that society gives us little permission to mourn openly. We realize the better we appear to be coping, the easier it is for people to be around us.

So, unfortunately, multiple forces are working against your organic instinct to mourn in the face of loss. The choice to experience and express your grief to its fullest can be difficult in our mourning-avoidant culture. Yet no matter how difficult, if you choose to authentically mourn in ways unique to your being, you will have begun to return to life, to
living, and to loving! If you come to embrace the truth that mourning is a natural extension of loving, you will come to see mourning as part of the natural order of life.

So, each day, ask yourself this critical question: “Will I grieve this loss, or will I mourn this loss?” Having the courage to mourn can breathe life back into your divine spark. Choosing to mourn authentically can and will help you experience a time of release and renewal.

Of course, this does not mean your journey is over and done, but it does mean you are empowering yourself. To empower means to give or add power, to propel. When you empower yourself through mourning, you will begin to feel a gentle strength running through your body and soul. Yes, asking and answering this critical question can help empower you.