I thought I’d share some thoughts I have recently had sitting on the “other side of the table.”
My first thought is that one of the biggest strengths of our association is our relationships with each other. These are the relationships we have built as individuals, between our firms and with our vendors that support us. I have often made or received calls from members of the association asking for advice about anything from embalming to employee benefits. It has been great to be able to work together. I truly enjoy these interactions. More personally, I am humbled by your outreach after my dad passed away. Likewise, my mother was so impressed by all your support. The notes, flowers, phone calls, emails and even our friends at Davis-Whitehall, Terry and Deonne, coming to the celebration and sharing a table with my family, lead me to believe we have a really wonderful association. My mom said to me at one point, “Wow, you must be important.” I told her, “No, I’m a funeral director who is supported by a group of friends who value celebrating life.” A big thanks from me and my family to all of you!
This leads me to another realization.
For years, I have had a vision of what my dad’s service would look like. My family is very traditional, and I thought we would just do the typical service we had always done in our family. We’d start with viewing at the funeral home in the evening, service at the church the following morning, go to the cemetery and finish at the house with a luncheon or dinner. I was shocked to hear from my sister as we were driving from the airport, as I had gone to see Dad before he passed, that Mom and Dad wanted none of the mentioned services. My sister shared their plan with me. It involved going to the cemetery, and that was about it. The vision I had of the service was turned on its head, or was it? I expressed to my sister what I needed and began the hardest “pitch” of funeral service of my career. I made my list; I was going to see Dad, and Kim and the kids wanted to see him as well. I needed a gathering of some kind, and I needed to go to the cemetery to place Dad in his mausoleum crypt. My sister basically told me, “Good luck. I’m not sure what Mom will say.”
A couple of days later, I sat my mom down and said, “Mom, we need to talk about the funeral plans.” I asked her why she didn’t want a service. What she told me didn’t shock me but confirmed my thoughts. She wanted a time to celebrate, not sit in a stuffy church and never talk to anyone. She told me how she didn’t like the funerals she attended previously because she never had a chance to talk with the family and share memories. She was concerned that people didn’t like viewings, so she didn’t want to make people feel bad if they didn’t want to see Dad. So, I started the “pitch” again, this time to Mom. I expressed to her how important viewing was and having a time to gather. She stopped me and said, “I have already changed my mind.” My sister had told her of our conversation, and she listened. She didn’t give in to my childish rant, she listened to my needs and realized if I needed those things, perhaps others did as well.
We had a viewing for those who wanted to attend. In preparation, myself, two of my brothers, my mother and my dad’s youngest brother not only dressed Dad but also watched me perform some cosmetic genius. My younger brother stood at the end of the casket the entire time, telling me, “I would never do what you do, but it is fascinating.” The next day, we had a graveside service that my dad planned between the conversation with my mom and his death. We ended the graveside with a family snowball fight in the cemetery, 40 or so of us doing what Dad would have done! My dad loved cemeteries. He had spent his entire career in the burial vault and granite memorial business. We concluded with a gathering of our friends and neighbors, sharing his favorite Godfather’s pizza, A&W root beer floats and all his favorite treats to snack on. We shared stories, hearing from those in the room as well as those remotely joining by Zoom. It was fantastic!
So, why do I share all the details with you all? I want to confirm to all of you that what we do is important. What we believe in is still relevant. We may get discouraged at times that society doesn’t value what we do. Maybe they don’t understand what we do and why. Maybe they want what we value but in a different package.
What was originally planned to be a simple cemetery-only experience of just my mom and siblings turned into events that brought many old friends and family together to celebrate the life of a remarkable man. To view my dad’s obituary, please visit https://directors-digest.thenewslinkgroup.org/in-loving-memory/.
Continue to do what you do. Listen, teach and adapt.
